What if the First Admendment was treated like the Second

I saw an amusing analogy using what Obama is proposing regarding the second and applying it to the first amendment.

It would include:

1. Free speech, would require a permit, with education requirements, before a person may criticize the government.
2. Imprisoning anyone who "falsely accuses a government official of misconduct"
3. Outlawing "speech that offends anyone without reasonable cause

Extending the analogy I would add:

1. Permitting a person to only criticize the government once a month.
2. Requiring any written speech to be stamped with a unique identifier which identifies the speaker.
3. Banning the poor from having free speech.
4. Banning criticizing the government within 5 miles of schools
5. Banning of hiding documents on your person which are critical of the government.
6. And banning free speech to individuals 21 years old or older.